There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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