so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
