i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize