so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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