Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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