She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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