first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
