All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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