So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
