Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
