ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
