put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
