blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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