my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
