I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
