My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize