i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
