im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
