the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
