miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
