I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
