I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
