can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
