i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
