Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
