she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need to sanitize my soul.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
