I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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