After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
