I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
