he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
