ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
