Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
