i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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