She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
