I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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