i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
