i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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