If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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