i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
