sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
