I cannot find my penis.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
