i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
