so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
