if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I could have mohawked her pubes.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
