Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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