So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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