My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
