Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
