I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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