I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
