i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
