i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
