Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just forgot I was standing up.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize