I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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