We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
