You just made me feel so damn special
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She's the barista slut.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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