If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
