i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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